I Tried Ignoring The Dark; It Sent A Calendar Invite

Ever notice how the smallest acts—drinking water, taking a breath, choosing a softer thought—are the first ones we resist when we most need them?

In this episode, we explore the quiet mechanics of resistance and the deeper resilience that forms when we stop fighting our own becoming.

Instead of pushing harder, we look at what happens when we bring fear, judgment, and attack thoughts into the light—and allow willingness to do the real work.

We trace how growth often starts in the dark: seeds splitting underground, identities shedding on the way to something truer. Drawing from A Course in Miracles, we unpack the chain of change—thought to feeling to behavior—and why any real shift begins with mindset. 

We talk about tapas, the yogic burn that refines us, and how dissolving shame reveals a deeper innocence the divine never stops seeing. Along the way, I share the story of how I began teaching yoga, and why reflecting the light already present in others has become the most honest work I know.

You’ll also hear about ARC, Return to Center, a practical, human-scale platform designed to help you take the dark to the light in minutes, not months. Think simple tools, gentle daily prompts, and intimate community spaces where we can actually practice. 

And because stories teach, we look at a Ted Lasso moment where service pulls a reluctant heart back to the pitch, reminding us that purpose lives where we stand with others, not apart from them. By the end, you’ll have a handful of ways to reframe fear, release attack thoughts, and return to center—again and again—until resilience feels less like armor and more like trust.

If this resonates, follow along, share it with a friend who needs a lift, and leave a quick review so others can find the show. Your reflections shape what we explore next.

Transcript

Birthday Reflection & Intent

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Greetings everyone, greetings, greetings. I'm so glad to be with you today because today is my birthday. And I've been thinking about a lot of things, obviously, because that's what we do. But today I wanted to kind of go through a little bit of an inventory and share with you some, I think, really important revelations that I'm having now as I am heading closer now to 50 years of age.

Resistance Versus Resilience

SPEAKER_00 0:38

I've been thinking a lot lately about resilience and resistance and their relationship. And, you know, when I was younger, I thought that growth had so much more to do with like bigger and better and stronger and more accomplished. And in these last few years, what I've realized is that the deeper the work, the more honest it gets. It's more about noticing the ways that resistance is driving behaviors. And I notice this often in my own life, and maybe you do too, where there is this like resistance to the light. There is like a resistance to doing the thing or thinking the things, doing the thing in terms of like a practice, a meditation, having a glass of water, pausing, regrouping, realizing when you know, in anxiety or frustration, or I want to be right. Like this negative energy is now has its own kind of movement happening, and I'm on that ride. So what has been really interesting in these last few weeks that I've noticed is that it's not necessarily resistance to like shift, even though it's in there, it's this resistance to the light in general, this resistance to actually embodying this part of myself, of ourselves, of yourself, where we're actually doing the work in the moments. We're shifting our mindset, we're seeing things differently, we're practicing forgiveness, we're practicing open-mindedness and tolerance that I wanted to look at in this podcast. I wanted to look at the resistance to the light, to accepting the truth of who you really are in those darker moments, and how that journey from the dark to the light is like an arc. And I'm going to kind of weave in this new platform, this new program that we've put together called a return to center or arc. And when we move from this place of resistance into resilience, it's actually so much of a deeper level of strength than it was in my younger years when I was trying to push through, ignore the dark things, the hard relationships, the difficult conversations, where bypassing seemed like the right thing to do because only love is real and I

Lessons Hidden In The Dark

SPEAKER_00 3:46

want to live in the light. And so I'm just not gonna look over here at the dark things. But what that is actually doing is resisting the lessons that live in the dark. And what I mean by that is that there is so much growth that happens in a dark place in the womb, you know, underground. We plant seeds underground and we can't see what's happening to them, but we know that there is growth involved. We know that it's coded. There is an intelligence that is working through those seeds, working through that little baby in there. Sorry, I had to pause there. So on the video, you might see a glitch, but on the real podcast, I'm gonna have my guy edit that out. But what I was saying is that it is the growth that happens in the dark that has some of the most profound lessons in it that really leads us into this energy of resilience, of believing that no matter what happens and no matter what you're moving through, it's happening for a greater purpose, for a bigger reason.

Course In Miracles Foundations

SPEAKER_00 5:13

And from a Course in Miracles perspective, it's happening for your highest attainment, that everything in life is a part of your specialized curriculum, meaning the Holy Spirit, which is this bridge, this arc between the divine and us realizing who we are, is using everything in our lives for our enlightenment, for our growth, for those miracles, those shifts in perspective and perception, this capacity to learn how to change our behaviors by changing our thoughts. Because the thoughts occur, the feelings occur, and then the behaviors occur. So any change wants to happen from a different mindset. And that's so consistent, even with, I think it was Albert Einstein, right? I mean, the problems of the world cannot be solved with a level of thinking that created them.

Mindset Before Behavior Change

SPEAKER_00 6:15

So it is in the rise from the dark, this idea of the phoenix rising, it's in the destruct, the destruction. It's in the moments of your life when you think it's just destroyed. There's too many mistakes, there's too many wrong turns. It's in those very moments that we are burning away the impurities. The yogis call that the tapas, the burning away, and that is often the time before your greatest growth. So, in my mind, as I'm reflecting on my birthday, it really has so much to do with this setting down of resistance. The Buddhists say that resistance is suffering. So it's in my resistance to growth, in seeing things differently, in subscribing that these thoughts don't mean anything, that I'm not a victim of the world I see. These are lessons from the Course, that God is in my mind. God is in everything I see because God is in my mind. It's in learning to integrate those thoughts into my daily activities that rearranges things on a subtle level. So we don't necessarily have to do the work of moving from you know dark to light. We are simply allowing that to occur, given the first step, the choice and the willingness to say, yeah, okay, I want this to happen. I'm ready for this next level. I'm ready to release these attack thoughts, that these attack thoughts are causing the suffering that I am experiencing. That is such a reframe, and it's so powerful, really, to have heightened conversations to come together in the

Tapas, Suffering, And Letting Go

SPEAKER_00 8:15

form of this podcast or on the YouTube channel to practice the Course in Miracles daily lessons and in the back end of ARC to dive into the more refined tools that we have that teach us how to categorize our experiences and our thinking mind. For example, in one of the tools, it's like there's there's so much of this conversation in you know the new age spiritual yoga communities where it's like just let go of fear, just you know, fear is an illusion, move on. Well, what to do with that fear is a very helpful question. What do I do with all of these thoughts of self-doubt and inadequacy and not enough? What do I do with these judgments about he or him or her, about what they did or didn't do? What do I do with these things? And the tools inside ARC are designed for that. They give us the space in time to go into these places that we have been resisting and to have a structure in place so that we can place things where they want to go. So, what it what is the real fear about this? So let's just look at it for a minute. Okay, well, what do we do with fear? You know, fear is the absence of light. So we take this fear, and the Course of Miracles is very clear on this dynamic and this teaching that we cannot take the light to the dark. We need to take the dark to the light. That shows willingness, that shows that we are using our autonomy, our sovereignty to do this practice, like to take the dark to the light. It's a surrendering motion. The light cannot take what we are not willing to give it because it honors our autonomy. It honors that we are at choice. Not only does it honor that, it

Willingness And Releasing Attack Thoughts

SPEAKER_00 10:23

knows that our enlightenment, our happiness, our living our full potential, living our dharma, our life's purpose is established. It is held in a trust. It will happen. As the course teaches, the only, you know, the only thing that might stall that is our decision. So when is up to us, but if is already established, like this is happening, your life, your curriculum, your experiences will all make sense, will all be processed in due time, and in this life or the next, that that is actually the function of this reality, this contrast that we live in, that the dark times, the hard times, the mistakes, the times when we didn't apply these thoughts, don't mean anything. And we acted on it, and then we felt the repercussions of those actions, and then we labeled that as negative. That is a part of this journey. So when we can embrace that and when we know that, it dissolves something really yucky, it dissolves shame. And in my experience as yoga trainer and as a coach, and just as a humble human on this planet trying to make her way, there are times when

Introducing ARC: Practical Tools

SPEAKER_00 12:04

we can look at different experiences or circumstances in our past. And on one hand, we can apply the lesson from the course. You know, the past is over, it can touch me not. Such a beautiful lesson. And yet it's in the processing of the past that it touches us not. Now, sometimes it's just like the past is over, it can touch me not. And sometimes it's okay, I bring you to the light. What is it you want to show me? And one of the things that I really feel so strongly about, and and so much of this work is about, is that your innocence that is on the other spectrum of shame. And that innocence is protected, it's safe, it's in a trust. It is the way that the divine sees you. Even with all of the things, even with all of the times that you have made a mistake and can't seem to forgive yourself for it, or you're blaming someone else. In all of that, the divine still sees your pristine innocence. And so, again, this life is about dissolving all that is in the way of

Taking The Dark To The Light

SPEAKER_00 13:28

you seeing that, and that is the power of this work. That's really the essence of it, because my role when I'm in the seat of teaching or coaching is about seeing the light in you by modeling what I believe the divine desires for me to do in this life and what I know in my heart is the right thing to do, is to see the innocence in my brothers and my sisters, to see the light, even when and even if they do not see it. And that's that's my only intention. That has been my only intention since the very beginning of my teaching career. I never meant to be a yoga teacher. I only did the teacher training in San Francisco, gosh, in 2004, because I didn't understand why I loved the yoga so much. I could not wrap my little mind around how it was that when I did this practice, I moved my arms in this way, or I breathed in this way, or I put my head below my heart. When I did these very seemingly basic and not difficult things, they were either a difficult, holding my arms here for five counts, doing sun salutations for the first time. I remember thinking I was going to for real die. It was just so much work. Like my yoga teacher, side note, used to say, 162 movements in 16 minutes, 600 conscious breaths in a full yoga class. These are wow tools that we I was using back then, but I couldn't understand when I

Dissolving Shame And Claiming Innocence

SPEAKER_00 15:20

was doing those things, why I was happier and healthier when I put myself through that experience on the mat. And when I wasn't doing it, I was sicker and miserable. I was colder, I was more in my head, I was more judgmental. So I went to the teacher training wanting to learn more about the back end of this practice, less about wanting to open a yoga studio or be a yoga teacher. And that journey from training to now is rich with content, with my own specific curriculum. But what I realized very early in the game of this was that I was on purpose. I was on a mission. And that mission was being delivered to me as I practiced yoga and as I taught it. And that mission became even more clear when I would sit in the circle and see the students around me that whatever was coming through me that was helpful was landing. And sharing my life's experiences, sharing some of, you know, some might say that was too much information. Well, you know, as I get older, I share less and less of the details of the stories, but the themes are the same for all of us. Truly, we are all, whether we admit it or not, moving from dark to light in our days. Every day we wake up, we're beginners again. And we have this whole day in front of us to practice loving consciousness and action or to get lost in the critical mind. And the mind is very powerful. We cannot

Calling To Teach And Serve

SPEAKER_00 17:07

change that. We were created. We talk about this a lot in this work, that it was created by the creator. So it has power, but that power is given to us either to co-create with the divine or to miscreate out of fear. And this reality, when we look at our collective consciousness and we see all of the destruction in the world and all of the heinous crimes and all of this stuff that we see in the world is the result of our collective consciousness because we are the projectors. So this opportunity to create space in your days and your weeks and your months and your years, even a half an hour a week, even five minutes a day, even 30 seconds before you sleep, to surrender that which you do not understand, that which you cannot process on your own, that which makes no sense, to give that dark to the light is an alchemical process. And we can develop our trust that all things are being worked out for the highest for all involved. So even looking at the collective consciousness, if a handful of us listening to this podcast or watching on the YouTube channel choose to dive into this work, into ARC, or any other platform that resonates with you. Obviously, if you're in my world, Course of Miracles is something that interests you. It's something you've been practicing or you want to practice, or you're a yoga teacher or someone who's been practicing, or a beginner, even. This work is for anyone who is ready and willing, truly, to decide in the moment that they want to grow. That whatever they that

Daily Practice And Co‑Creation

SPEAKER_00 19:17

they're coded for that because they've been created and their mind is very powerful. And if they create from fear, and if we create from fear, then we have the result of that. However, when even just one of us stands up and says, I am going to use my capacity, my creative intelligence towards light, towards love, then even if the path to that is shaky, and even if things happen that break your heart, you stay focused on returning to zero point, to the center, to the place where only love is real, where everything is okay, even if in it's madness, even if it doesn't make sense, it's the acceptance of that, it's the absence of resistance, and that develops into a level of resilience that is so beautiful, it's so magnetic, ultimately, it's so healing to believe and to see that as you have moved through your life, made decisions you're happy about, made decisions you're not happy about, as you forgave yourself, as you surrendered to your higher self, to the highest version of you, and you gave it up and you said, Show me things differently, you developed a level of resilience that is really powerful and ultimately healing. So that is my birthday riff. I will end with a little story because it was so powerful and it was so fun. I was watching my family and I are deep into Ted Lasso. If you've not watched that show, please, please dive in. It is just filled with so many good nuggets. I mean, at one point, Ted Lasso even says, Do you believe in miracles? You know, so it's so fun to see the content that I've loved my whole adult life being played out in the mainstream in such a fun, family-friendly way. Although there is a lot of swear words, so you've, you know, and some sexy stuff that you might need to fast forward if you have little ones,

Ted Lasso Story: Choosing Service

SPEAKER_00 21:43

which we do. But the kids can handle more than than we think. And if they're with their parents, it's uh it's okay. So, anyway, the episode that we watched last night was called Rainbow. And the song by the Rolling Stones, Rainbow, comes in and out of the scenes, and it's I've been listening to It all morning is just so fun. Please do that as an assignment if you're listening to this. Go play rainbow really, really loud, dance around, sing, let the vibration of the music fill you. It's just such oh wow, such good stuff. Well, anyway, the part that I wanted to talk about was towards the end, one of the characters who used to be a player, player who's retired, is trying to find his way. He's like, What's my next thing? I've been doing this my whole life. It's all I really remember, it's my identity. He's been a soccer player and he's just really, really good at it. Well, age thinks he retires. And so he finds himself as a pundit on a sports show. And his coach, who's Ted Lasso, asks for his help in coaching another player who's found himself kind of in a rut. And he brings Roy, who's who's the retired soccer player, into this scenario. And Roy has this idea and he follows through with it. And the player that they're helping has this amazing breakthrough. And you can see the shift in his energy. He's more joyful. He realizes it's a game. He's allowed to have fun. He starts to take it less seriously. And Ted Lasso, who's the main coach, calls Roy Kent coach. And Roy initially declines the offer to join the coaching staff, doesn't want anything to do with it, is like, whatever, you know, and he uses the F bomb a lot. So he F bombs him like a hundred times and he walks away. Well, the following day or so, he's in his job as a pundit. And one of the other characters asks Roy, Well, what do you think is going to happen in the game? And how is this person going to play? And how is that person going to play? And Roy has this moment of revelation where he realizes, he says, I don't know. Like none of us know what these players are going to do because we're not with them. We're not on the field with them. We're not practicing with them or training with them. We're not having conversations with them. We don't know what's happening in their lives. And he realizes in this moment how coaching is his next best, most divine move. It is orchestrated for him. He sees it. He stands up in the middle of the TV show, takes off his microphone, and heads out and goes straight to the field, the pitch, and you know, is welcomed by the crowds and his team. And it's

Inventory, Healing, And Purpose

SPEAKER_00 24:39

such a beautiful moment because he realizes that it's in the service to others that he's going to find his true happiness and his purpose and his dharma. So powerful. I'm trusting that story was useful. My point in sharing it is that we are allowed to be in the light. It was like you could see Roy's resistance to accepting the job opportunity, even knowing he was good at it, because there was a resistance to actually stepping into that next version of himself, to get over maybe any judgment he'd had about himself, to say, no, I'm actually going to be great at this. I am great at this. And I want to do this. I want to support these people in developing into the best versions of themselves. And regardless of what has happened, you know, every year I take an inventory, and these last five have been very interesting in my life because it was so much about building, it was so much about growth, it was so much about travel for a good 20 years. And the last five have been a deep dive for me into, I don't want to say the dark, but to a certain extent, into this other version of me, the one that I sometimes didn't recognize. And there was a lot of processing that needed to occur. And it was all happening for me, and it was all for the good. And I see that now in a way that I haven't really seen it in the last few years. And so as I step fully back into my seat as a teacher and a coach, I realize that it's it's in working with you, it's in sharing my stories with you and sharing my lessons from a course in miracles and the application of those lessons in the day-to-day, in the mundane activities of life, that I feel fulfilled, that I feel like I'm on purpose, that I'm I'm on the pitch with you, I'm in the field with you, I'm not lost in my own resistance to stepping into the highest potential of me. And

What ARC Provides & Community

SPEAKER_00 27:00

so as we kind of, you know, have been working on the back end and organizing content and creating new content and looking at like, how can I serve in the most profound way? And and that is what a return to center is about. And this is the year of people coming into ARC, coming into the program, doing some of the tools. It's not like an online program where you're like overwhelmed with so much content that you just set it down. It's like, oh my God, I don't have time for this. It's so easily accessible. You can come in and out of it, you'll get daily emails. I mean, there's so much that is in there that even if you tap just like a five minute here and there, or you take a tool because you're gonna sit down and you're really gonna try and figure something out. You want to take this to the light. And that's so encouraging. And that really shows that there are more and more people that are ready. I really believe this, I'm seeing it, and learning the things they wish they had learned in school and applying them now, being like, I'm a lifelong learner, I'm a lifelong student. And the community, the intimate conversations that we're gonna be having monthly are gonna be really profound. I I'm going to be sharing more as we go, but it'll be behind that kind of private space. You know, there's only so much I want to say publicly, but in those private spaces, we can really dig in there. We can dig into different lessons that we're learning, different experiences. And the content that is going to come through there is I can already see it be so, so, so, so powerful and so healing and so enlightening. And I miss the circle. I miss being on the pitch. And that's really what this

Returning To Center Together

SPEAKER_00 29:00

is about. It's like putting myself back out there in the rebuilding phase and saying, I'm still here. I'm returning to center every day. I know a lot of you are too. And let's do this together. So, yeah, wow. So much came through just now. I'm trusting it was useful for you. I'm gonna put the links here in show notes on all the platforms, and I'm wishing you a really beautiful rest of today. And thank you for being with me on my birthday. It's really the ultimate gift. Yeah. Much love. Bye for now.